This is all Mae[Hikou]’s fault. She started in and dragged me into 'the horror, the horror!'. *cough* Er, to cut the melodramatics...this is basically a private eye/mafia parody, which gets serious in parts, but is usually corny all about the place. It's greatly inspired in a way by the Robert Rankin Lazlo Woodbine novels, which would explain the pervading ridiculousity of things, especially Fujima's sometimes rather strange behaviour. ^.^;; [Which is not really ooc, per se, but, as is the whole scheme of things, out of whack.]

Technical Notes : This chapter is written by Mae[Hikou], with occasional editing by me.

The Bold and the Bulletproof
by Mae [Hikou] and Djinn

Chapter One

It was a cold, dark February afternoon. The sky was as grey as a wintry afternoon sky could get, and my arthritis was acting up, if I had arthritis, that is. I was busy arranging the things on my table when it all started. I had just happened to find a stale potato chip in one of the drawers when there was a knock on the door. I placed the chip out of sight, shoved everything to the left, put up my feet at the table and said loudly, "Come in."

I'm Fujima. Fujima Kenji. The best private eye in the neighbourhood. There're many of them, but I'm the greatest. I have looks, charm, skill and brains. Who could ask for more?

Normally, either pretty women (or occasionally men; I'm bisexual) would seek my help. Sometimes a desperate gangster or two. But this night was different.

Kami-sama, was he ugly!

"Close the door," I murmured in a monotone voice. He turned and I almost upset my table.

Kami-sama, he's part of the SS! You could see the emblem on his sleeve!

What's the SS, you ask? The SS is the Shoyo Society, one of the most dangerous gangster societies in the country...I'd better watch my step. I didn't want to offend any of them.

The customer then sat down in front of me. Ugh! I tried to keep myself from wincing. Out of desperation, I covered my face with my hat.

"So...er...what would you require my services for?"

"I'm Hasegawa. From the Shoyo Society."

"I knew that."

"How?"

"Through my incredible powers of deduction."

"Ah. You're good."

I smirked under my hat.

"Do go on. Why would the great SS need me?"

"Well..." Hasegawa seemed hesitant. "...You know how every Secret Society has to have an heir?"

"To carry on their father's work, yes."

"The Shoyo Society's heir has been kidnapped."

I sat straight up, pulling off my hat in astonishment. "Nani?! How did that happen?" I exclaimed, tolerating his unsightliness as I stared at him.

"Actually, I...don't know." He said, twiddling his thumbs. "Maybe it was the security or something but -" He cleared his throat. "That's not the point here."

He took on a more business-like tone. "We heard that you're the best in the business. Your job is to find the heir. And save him."

"Any information so far?"

"We know that the Shohoku Streetsters have kidnapped him."

"You mean the new mafia up front? Those ambitious Shohoku Streetsters were able to kidnap your heir?"

"...Yes. And do refer to them as the Shohoku Shitheads. That's what we call them."

"Fine, I will." I said casually. "Has a certain ring to it."

"Thank you. Anyway, that's about all we can get. They're threatening to kill our heir if we don't give them money."

"The heir happens to be the son of the head of the SS. He is responsible, knowledgeable and has learnt a lot from his father. Not to mention, our Boss is very very fond of him."

"And he got kidnapped."

"Shut up, you bastard. Anyway, as long as the Boss is still around, we have to get him back."

"Can't you just storm the Shohoku stronghold?"

"Yazuka politics aren't that simple."

I nodded. "So, how much is the pay?"

"It depends on how fast you can finish the job."

"...And what if I can't find him or save him?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hasegawa drew a finger across his neck.

"Sssslck."

"Couldn't be clearer." I looked a little disturbed, touching my throat instinctively.

It was a bad evening.

A very bad evening.

A life-threatening job and I'm not even sure how much I'm getting.

I put on my new suede hat and trenchcoat, grabbing my wallet on the way and stuffing it into my pocket. I took my key out and locked the door.

It was already dark and I knew I needed something to take my mind off the case. I stood there in the middle of the road thinking, and the 'Kanagawa Basketball' dribbled its way into my head.

I know that's a bad pun. You don't have to tell me.

Thus, I set off to the Kanagawa Basketball when a drop of water fell.

And another. And another. And then it started to rain.

My coat. My hat.

K'sou."

"The usual, Youhei." I slammed my fist onto the counter, seating myself on the little counter stools.

"Tough day?" The bartender asked, wiping a glass. "You don't say." I grinned bitterly.

He got me my usual and I drank it down in one gulp.

"Another."

"You sure you won't get drunk?"

"Tell me when I ever did." I said confidently, downing another glass. "I'm involved with the Shoyo Society. They got some trouble with the Shohoku Shitheads."

"That's the Shohoku Streetsters to you. My best friend is part of it."

"Pardon my French then. Anyway, I'm supposed to find out things about them. Any clues?"

"Even if I do, Fujima, I wouldn't tell you."

I sighed. I knew Youhei wouldn't tell me anything in the first place.

"What about satisfying my desires?"

"Fujima, you hentai bastard, go stuff your prick in a knothole."

"Splinters wouldn't be good."

"You're so abusive, even a tree would run away. Go find a bondage freak or something."

"I could use force."

"Don't you dare."

And we tooted that old toot, drinking the night away.

Next day I woke up in my bed without a hangover. And as I got up to dress, there was a 'bing' at the doorbell and then a 'slam!' I pulled on my underwear fast and was in the process of putting my pants on when the door opened.

Augh.

There was Hasegawa, tapping his foot impatiently as I yanked on a shirt. I ran a nervous hand through my hair.

"Yes?"

"You're late." He stated, pointing to his watch.

"It's 10 a.m." I growled. "And everybody waits for private eye Fujima to wake up OUTSIDE."

"The Shoyo Society waits for no one." He glared. I glared back.

"Also, everybody waits for Fujima to wake up at 12 noon if he's been drinking the night before."

"The Shoyo Society is not everybody." He drew out a gun.

"Excuse me. I need the bathroom." I carefully passed him and headed towards the toilet. Once the door was closed, I heard the 'click' of a pistol cock.

"I'll be quick." I hurriedly called through the walls.

I was quick.

I went out with him to the living room soon after that. "What's my schedule for today?"

"You try to get information from the Shohoku Shitheads."

"And how?" I smirked. These guys think they're too good.

"That's up to you." He pointed at me, then took his hat off the hook, turning to leave, "Have a good day."

"Useless bastards." I murmured, sitting down on the sofa to think.

A shot rang out, making a hole in my door and lodging in the wall.

I kept my mouth shut as I tried to think of an idea.

A plain-out interview wouldn't work of course. I could just imagine: "Hello. I'm a private eye working for the Shoyo Society." But how else could I find information...

Let's think. Let your mind go free, like that reporter-woman, what's her name - Yayoi said.

...Got it.

I smiled triumphantly, returning to my bedroom and rummaging around in my closet for suitable attire. In the end, I was clothed with jeans, a shirt and vest, a broad-rimmed hat and a most distasteful tweed jacket - which nevertheless made me, I just knew, look like a reporter from the Kanagawa Mercury. I scribbled "PRESS" onto a small card and stuck it in the band. After more searching and throwing around of things, I finally found a notepad and a pen.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

Utterly degrading.

I sighed and I made my way out of the house.

to be continued...

Coming up next : Chapter Two
Fujima pays a visit to the Shohoku Streetsters - and gets into a hell lot more trouble than he bargains for.

Wow. No footnotes.